This interview may content a trigger that may cause intense physiological and psychological symptoms for people who suffer with PTSD and other anxiety disorders. PTSD and other anxiety disorders are real mental health disabilities that have physical, emotional, and mental symptoms that are triggered by stimuli that recall an individual’s experience of trauma. This interview contains themes of strong language, sexual violence, sexual assault, harassment and suicide. The creativity as we know it does not necessarily come from a good place as we know it. Positive vibes, sunshine and colours - the inspiration takes many forms then that. In this interview me and an anonymous creative writer who was born in Hong Kong to European parents, we explore the cost of traumatic experiences, the impact of assault, lack of consent and rape that leave you to deal with such horrendous experience in a form of intense expression of your emotions by just simply writing about it. If you are not feeling well or your family member/friend and you or them - are seeking for mental health support, please visit: https://www.mind.org.hk/getting-help/ If you are or have been a victim of sexual assault, harassment or rape, please visit: https://www.talkhongkong.org The foundation of you - being born here in Hong Kong to European - based parents - when was the first time you started writing? When I was really young. We had a desktop computer and me and my sister had this little room where we would go and write short stories - fantasies, imaginations…. Oh really about what, for example? It depends… but usually about family, little girls having pets, a really cool bedroom that I’ve always really wanted. I wrote about all the things I wanted and thought that they were super cool. But when I went to my secondary school that’s where it officially started - this is where I was getting writing essays for homeworks and I loved it. Also some of my teachers encouraged me with their feedback to submit my work to papers etc. And then I won an in-school competition that started it where I won a couple of books (laughs) to read some more. I was super into reading fantasy books. Then I had this random class - it was a writing workshop which was dedicated to only fantasy art kids - geeks like me. So that was all happening whilst you were here in Hong Kong? Yeah - I think that was when I was in about 9th grade. After that I haven't really written much anymore. I was really into reading - and I thought this was the way to write a novel. Then I got to college in America - where I was writing short stuff. But eventually then I took a poetry class. This is where I was like “wow I like this way better this is much more fun” - because it was a perfect mix of viewing the meaning but also you’re not trying to bullshit around. And then from there I was an English major with focus on writing. So writing was never really your first option or passion before you got to college? Yeah, it wasn't. I felt like I “must do this”. I just thought that this was more of my life, living - not a passion. But then I really enjoyed it when I took over the top crazy classes. One of the classes was for example titled “How to write a Sonnet”. And we had to write a sonnet every day for the whole semester - weekend included. 7 days a week (laughs). That was wild! That’s intense! It was a lot. And then there came more writing workshops…by the time I got into my senior year I’ve been writing plenty - as I went through my trauma and assault I’ve been through. That really took off and took center stage when I was writing. It became my only “inspiration”. And at that point I found a purpose - why I want to write about it and what I wanted to express…so it’s really interesting how it works. It definitely was my way to cope with the trauma as well… Yes, definitely a coping mechanism, right? It must’ve been a life changing moment for you…I was just wondering if it's even possible to compare your style of writing before and after the assault. What do you think changed? Nothing was the same. I definitely started to write about different topics. I found it harder to be emotionally connected. I always have written about sex and my own sexual experiences in satirical and self-deprivating way. Always joking how bad it was. That was something I liked to do. Have you published them somewhere? No. But then - after I was assaulted, I was struggling with asking myself: “How do I write about this now” - it was super serious, it was not as a random hook up that you would usually get. It’s like something that people do not want to joke about.I think I achieved it really way - to write about rape that makes people laugh but grimase, cringe at the same time. That is such a major step that you put yourself into this mindset. Even to be able to write about it is huge. Yeah, I was in this workshop for my final year in college and I read it to my class. What was their reaction? I think they were struck - it felt like they did not know what exactly to comment on. Especially when it's a personal experience of somebody. You don't want to modify it. But you can criticize the writing. I think it was overall a positive response that I got - which made me quite surprised about it. Just to gather all of these feelings and make them your own for a while. I think that's a big issue. When you were raped and assaulted and not being in control. You lose your agency. What do you mean by “losing your agency”? When someone forcibly does something to you and you don't have the power to stop it. So you lose the power to be able to make any decision whatsovere. So writing about it let me control the narrative. Oh! I almost forgot about that. I wrote a whole play about it…. WHAT? Wow! Yeh (laughs). It was a play-writing class. I’ve produced an entire play about also a different sexual assault that happened. Kinda like the classic college rape scenario. Did you write it before or after your assault? So this was a different assault, actually. That went backwards. I was black-out drunk and this dude took advantage of me, had sex with me and I had no idea what happened. It was kind of like a puzzle that I had to solve - what happened on that night. And I wrote a play about that experience. From that point on I was either sophomore or junior - I made it a focus of my writing. Bad sexual experiences, horrible stuff and assaults that happen o women. So writing my senior thesis is where I struggled - how do I find another and different type of purpose in my writing after all of this. Will I be able to write about anything else? That’s why it took me away from writing in general. SInce then I was used to writing about painful things only. I had to protect myself as well. I knew I didn't want to write about this forever, obviously. I guess I’m still trying to figure this out. I’m incredibly sorry that this happened to you. I feel like people need to face these circumstances. I’m sure that so many people have been in a similar situation like you without realizing it. Especially when they don't even know that there is appropriate help to anyone who has been in this situation. Yes, it’s crazy how often it happens actually. How about if we just eliminate rapists in the whole population without constantly being on alert and blaming women not being in control enough to be able to say no. Even if you would be walking on the street bloody naked, or had sex and halfway through decided you dont want to keep going - you’re never asking for it. People need to desperately educate themselves about consent… Consent is the key! So that all happened in America? Yeah - although the first assault that happened to me was actually in Japan. I was 17. Yeh it was in the bar with some friends when we went for a ski vacation together. We had a few drinks and there was this group of guys that started hitting on us. I wasn't even drunk but one of them who I found quite cute told me to come with him to the bathroom. I was super young so I thought to myself “why not I like making out with people”, so I went. And when we got to the bathroom he told me to take my pants off. I was like “noo I dont really wanna do that”. But he kept forcing, he was blocking the door too so I couldn't leave. At this point I didn't even know what to do anymore. I was completely frozen. I probably would have shoved him on the side thinking about it now but at that moment my mind was completely out of it. Then he sat on the toilet and grabbed me on the top. Then I went to find my friends and told them what just happened, they were in such a shock. They told me to get money asap for a morning after pill. So I went to him and told him that I needed money for the morning after pill. He gave me a handful of coins. Which was one of the most disrespectful things I've ever experienced. My friend then tried to speak to the bartender but they just told us to leave immediately. It was freezing cold. 2am. Didn't know what to do, no cabs. So we hitchhiked to my friend's house. Then I took the hottest shower in my life just to get it off of me. Did you get the after pill? Yeah. I was lucky to get it the next day after coming to Hong Kong. My sister got it for me and hid it under my pillow. So you didn’t tell your parents? I did eventually, actually. But that was the worst mistake. She blamed me for it. Classic and then she took my own trauma for her own. Then she tried to stop me from hanging out with my best friend, she said that it was her fault. But it’s crazy to think that still…this happens to so many girls. So many girls already had this sort of an experience. You’ve been through a lot and even wrote about it….oh man. Yeah. And I’m as dry as bones (laughs). I don't even know what to write about anymore. And yet you’ve recovered - being able to immerse yourself back to relationship life…. I think I kind of had the opposite direction then what you would expect. Which is actually a symptom of PTSD - hypersexuality. Directly right after - as you are trying to prove to yourself that you are okay and highly functioning no matter what. That you are not affected and everything is the same. That was also why I kep putting myself into more and more sexual situations. It felt like it would fulfill some kind of a gap. And then once when I started to have a more serious relationship this is where the true healing came in place. The adrenaline from a classic hook up drives you through without thinking about circumstances and fear of intimacy. How did your parents feel? When I was assaulted in New York, my dad immediately flew out from Taipei. Right after he got a call from the detective who was on my case. I was in a hospital - and when I woke up I could not really remember much. There was this lady and the detective. Law and Order (laughs). She immediately asked questions. Full on. To make sure that the memory is as fresh as possible. I asked them to reach out to my sister who was also living in New York during that time. So my sister came very quickly. She walked into the room but couldn't find me - that’s how bad my face looked and couldn't recognize me. She broke down and bursted into tears. So I stayed in a hospital for a couple of days. I also had to do a rape kit. What is a rape kit? They collect forensic evidence. It's performed by this specially qualified nurse. From your vagina, basically. They also take pictures. Evidence, right? Not a fun experience. It was super painful. I threw up black blood during it because I apparently also broke my nose. I was on morphine - but the only thing I remember was that I made a lot of jokes around with nurses in the hospital and just joking around. One of the nurses was really nice and he was kind to me - chit chatting. And when my sister left I asked him: “Do I really look that bad?” and he said: “Well, it’s really not great…” he pulled out his phone, took a snap of me and showed me. And I was like: “Ohhh, I really don’t look good” my head was massive, one of my eyes was completely shut, lips split open. So I spent a few days in a hospital for observation before they discharged me. I had police in front of my room for 24 hours - that’s their protocol when it’s a violent crime - just in case someone comes back…I think that the worst part of it was actually seeing other people’s reaction…being absolutely devastated seeing me like this. That was worse than how I felt because before that point I felt dissociated and couldn't even click how I was feeling without other people's reaction. You can't help but feel that you are causing pain to others. Do you feel like during that time you received all of the support that you needed? My dad was there for me…I stayed with him right after. I didn't leave the house for a few days as well. Some of the district attorneys came to visit me who were on my case. They had to build a case against the guy…. It must’ve been really hard to keep repeating yourself and trying to remember everything over and over… Also I couldn't remember many details, which was hard. But luckily there were security cameras that captured the whole thing. Did you watch it? No, I wasn't allowed to. As I was a primary witness they could not change my perception of what happened as well. And then in theory once when the case is over I could watch it. I still haven't watched it. Did they get him, though? He’s in jail. They got him after about a week. He fled to another state. Luckily for them, what he was wearing at the security footage he was also wearing exactly the same outfit on his Facebook profile picture! No way!!! Yeh - so they caught him. It was also in the local news.Which was surreal - to watch and read about it. It;s very strange to see how people write about you. Did any of the journalists come to you and ask you any questions? No. They only talked to the police. How was the first day when you left your house? It was weird. People were being weird. I went to a coffee shop with my dad and the barista came over and talked to my dad first - “loving his shoes”and then he looked at me and said: “Ohhh from across the room I thought that you were wearing zombie makeup”(laughs). It was so American like “oh my god tell me about it” like desperately curious. And no I didn't want to share - I felt the pressure to respond so I told him that I was assaulted. And he said: “It used to be really bad around this neighborhood but now it's getting much better”. So I was like “okay”. Clearly not! Was he being ignorant? I don't really know. And it was also the Uber driver who was driving me home from the hospital asking questions “what happened”. And my dad said to him “oh nothing, please keep driving”. But the driver kept going - “car accident?”. Then my dad had to tell him really to stop. Later on when I came back to the hospital to have my stitches taken out and swelling went down, one of the guy nurses who was taking them out had comments like “did your face meet like a softball or something?”. It’s crazy how many people felt super comfortable to ask directly what happened to me. I honestly did not want to talk about this with a stranger. I must say how strong you are - to be able to openly talk about this here with me and being able to share it - I appreciate this so much and I hope that this will open many eyes. It took a long time to be able to process it as well. I also jumped back into life very quickly as well. It didn't even cross my mind to take a year off the college to recover completely. But once when I was back into it I knew it wasn't the same. At all. Do you remember the day when it “hit” you and you realized what happened? It took a while…Some of the symptoms of PTSD started kicking in…. What were the symptoms?
So, for me it was a lot about being sensitive to sound. Constantly scared of every noise that I was hearing. I still have that sometimes but much less. Also always kind of being scared of situations - passing by random doors, people - my chest would completely seize up. Also you kind of feel like you have a disregard for your safety. Also overcompensating in general life situations. I would break down a lot - especially when I was drinking. I would end up crying on the floor - asking myself why. And then especially when lockdown in the US started , I started drinking heavily all the time - just not to feel my own feelings. I was trying to do anything to escape my brain. Then I moved to Europe at the end of 2020, kept on drinking, kept inviting random dudes over - having these tiring situations all the time… Right - just trying to pick yourself up and feel “normal again”... Yeah, which I thought was normal but it wasn’t. I started self harming myself a lot, I tried to kill myself too. And then I was like….wait a minute. Then I moved back with my parents who kept an eye on me. Then I started to come and participate in government funded therapies. I went to his center for young people who have issues with substances as I was experimenting with other drugs too. But then they quickly realised that the core of this problem was somewhere else. That the symptoms were hidden behind PTSD. It was an 8 week programme. We were constantly active - doing hiking, playing sports, then exposure therapies and EMDR (eye movement therapy). The exposure therapy was the worst to be honest. They try to trigger you until you get into a peak of like “fuck” and then they go like “see, nothing bad happened to you”.It’s supposed to make you feel better (laughs). It did help with some of the symptoms though. I think I was less sensitive to certain things. I felt a bit more at ease I guess. We had so many seminars about PTSD as well - about coping mechanisms, avoidant behaviors and all of that. What made you decide to move back to Hong Kong? There wasn't anything for me in Europe, really. Other than that I did not necessarily want to hang out with my parents either. Then eventually I also got a job here in Hong Kong - it's more comfortable for me to be in an environment in which I was brought up in.
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AuthorAlex Edwards is a founder of Creative Womxn in Hong Kong who has media and journalism background but also experience in art community development and social media management. Archives
November 2022
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