Rachel Smith - Senseless ArtRachel’s urge to create has always been there since she was a kid. If she cannot express herself the world becomes an unhappy place for her. Canadian born now living in Hong Kong, Rachel picks up her inspiration from absolutely anything and anywhere - whether her beginnings in weaving or sword making to creating a wearable paper dress inspired by Queen Elisabeth’s II coronation dress. Being involved with Hong Kong Stories gave her an insight to preserve stories of people and the diversity of Hong Kong. Together we will sit down for a coffee with Rachel and explore her mesmerising energy that is fulfilled with inspiration, imagination and neverending possibilities of where art can take you. When you were a kid growing up in Canada how was the school there? Well, we didn't have any uniforms. I mean some schools did have uniforms but it was definitely not as strict as in the UK. I remember for the first time when I saw kids wearing uniforms in the kindergarten and it was adorable! I’ve always wondered about the uniforms - does it unite the classes or does it prevent them from any status? Yeah, it’s meant to “equalise” people and it only works for the first impression. Once when you start going to school the people around already know your circumstances. It’s an idea to make us feel better. How was it growing up in Canada? I grew up in a very small town - on a farm. It was a subsistence farm, so we grew our own food, meat….It’s quite funny when I hear people say “I wanna go back to nature, blah blah” - but they actually don't, it's A LOT of work. Yeah, proper labour. You can't go on any holiday when you have the responsibility to take care of animals. Was life at the farm with so much work to do, isolating? Not really, actually as everybody at school had the same background and the same things to do. It wasn't anything like if I would be “special”. I didn't find it isolating until I became a teenager - then it became one big hormonal experience. Was that maybe also the first time when you find yourself being creative as well? Oh no! I’ve been creative throughout my whole life. Since the first day when I could talk, people would say: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and I would respond: “An artist, or a belly dancer!” Even though I really did not understand that ballet and belly dancing were two different things as I didn’t know how to express it - but it was a ballet dancer at first. However, I also actually did take belly dance lessons for a while when I became an adult - that was exciting. I turned out to quite suck at it. So instead I was designing costumes for the belly dance to stay close to it. What a strategy! I like it! That was also the desire eventually to join a circus even though I had no skills whatsoever but I just at least wanted to be one of the people who help to hold the rope or something - you know, to be one of the people who stay in the background. Anything! Just be involved. That’s the beauty of the whole production - nothing would happen without it, there would be no outcome! Exactly. But my parents were always very open to many options and opportunities. They were very curious people - always interested in the world around them, always exploring, finding out. That has always been something about my life that I’m very grateful for. Were your parents also somehow creative? I guess they were creative in their own way. My father was doing a lot of woodwork and he still does. He makes the most beautiful wooden tables - the ones for special occasions or coffee tables. He kept saving the wood from 30 year old trees and now since he retired he is making most of it. They are amazing, really cool!. And also when we were kids, we didn't have a lot of money so for example, for Christmas or birthday presents all of our gifts were hand made. And we were always encouraged to make something you wished for by yourself. The act of making has been strongly heavily there - the process of it not just the finished product. And my mum was at home with us - you can imagine with 5 children. And the things that you can do at home with children were cheap. - but with a lot of effort. We always baked together - bread, cakes, cooking food, harvesting crops…It was very much of a community activity. It was the communal activities that encouraged us to be creative and take pride and joy in our daily lives. Sounds very nutritious! Yeah, I don't think I would have said that at the beginning to be honest but now, looking back at it I was very fortunate to have this kind of experience for sure. It was amazing. And then you stepped out of Canada! You mentioned when we met that you made your way to Liverpool in the UK? Or was there any other adventure in between? Oh yeah! So when I was a mid-teen I actually decided that my parents were actually “evil”. I left home when I was 16, moved to the next bigger city which confusingly is also called London - but then one in Canada of course. That’s incredible the world is getting smaller! I know, amazing! So anyway, when I turned 16 I went to a specialist art school in London. There is this high school in Ontario where you train up to do basically a foundation university course but in high school. They taught us everything - from weaving, to wool dying, spinning to 3D sculptures. It was just the most incredible thing. In my final year of high school I spent a considerable time making a sword! Ridiculous things. Oh my! So that was London! Yes! Then I moved across the country to Vancouver and then from there I decided that I will move to China. So I got a one way ticket to China, not knowing anything about the country. Was it just yourself doing this on your own? I was travelling with my boyfriend during that time. But honestly it was more symbolic and assuring rather than serious. But it was great to go with somebody at first. I lived in China for 2 years and then I was trying to go to Taiwan but I accidentally washed my passport in the washing machine so it looked very dodgy. Taiwan is super sticky about this kind of stuff. So I came to Hong Kong and inquired about going to Taiwan via Hong Kong as they just about opened up to visitors. I put the official enquiry at the unofficial embassy equivalent and the idea behind it was to come back later in 3 days to get the visa. I called this guy who was my ex-roommate’s boyfriend who was from Hong Kong and home visiting from Uni in the UK and we spent 5 days together in Hong Kong. It was also my first experience with a typhoon (all I knew from extreme weather was Canadian snow storms) and he’s like: “We can't go out there if there is a typhoon let’s get a drink”. After 5 days I got back to the office to get my visa and they said “no”. I was standing in the office asking myself “what am I going to do now”?! I had no plans. I had a job lined up in Taiwan but that was not going to happen. Was it because of the way the passport looked? Yes - it went through the whole washing machine cycle to its very end. It looked seriously dodgy. O Thought - I guess I'm not going to Taiwan, and this guy said: “Come to England instead, they are both islands so it’s basically the same”. So I said “why not, sure” and ended up going to the UK and then we ended up getting married shortly afterward and we have been together for about 23 years. Wow what a destiny! It’s a whole saga! I still have the passport! It should be framed and put into a precious archive, haha! Yeah! I mean sort of it is - verbally, since I started telling with the Hong Kong Stories these adventures have been told on the stage and the podcast so yeah - it kind of already works as an actual archive I suppose. Fantastic. So, in the UK did you have a chance to tap into being creative again? When I moved to the UK I actually had a great chance to get my European citizenship thanks to my mother (my life has been a jam sandwich). That gave me a chance to go to university in the UK as well. Oh right - but before we jump into this, I was wondering how easy was it for you to readapt yourself from so many instant culture shocks? How was it in Liverpool after a long time staying in China? Liverpool was quite difficult, not going to lie. Because anywhere else I lived before I was clearly a foreigner. But as a Canadian living in the UK from having some vaguely historical roots in England, it was nothing like it! The social categories, structures, the hierarchy! The moment you open your mouth you're instantly being judged by where you are from. They have no idea what my paradigm is whilst they think they do. They have TV shows about North America, but life at home does not resemble a strange suburban sitcom. It is not how we live! It was an interesting concept of adapting myself to the UK. How was understanding the accent? The Liverpool accent for me is incredibly hard not going to lie…. Oh yes! I am ashamedly a monolinguist - I couldn’t understand what people were saying in Liverpool. I had no clue. One day, I was in the apartment and the electricity goes out, lights off. I’m a Canadian so I thought there was a storm somewhere and there was a power cut! I went and knocked on my neighbours door, because I am a Canadian and I am allowed to do that (laughs). I asked: “Hi my electricity went out, is yours okay? DO you know what's going on?” and this is my bad Liverpool accent when my neighbour responded: “You gotta get down to the shop to get some ‘lecky with yer ‘lecky cad”! I was so confused. I knew that we were speaking the same language – There was an absolutely disconnect from what she said and what I could comprehend. So I was trying to analyse what she was telling me - that I have to go to a store and I have to bring a card that allows me to buy electricity? How??? Do I need a jar or tupperware or…? I had no idea. And how did you buy it with a card? My husband wasn’t at home, so me being a naive girl, with no idea what to do went down to the store all nervous asking this random guy if I could buy some electricity. And then my light went back on - it was amazing! I had no idea where to put the card! And then it turned out that you have to insert the topped up card into a box that is in your flat with the magnetic strip on it and you would prepay the electricity. In which part of Liverpool did you live? In a very dodgy part, actually. There were various places that shaped the whole neighbourhood that surprised me how rough it was. Very physically rough. People were really aggressive. Did you feel unsafe? Yes. Even though I lived in London, Ontario and then in downtown Vancouver in the area where there is a lot of addicts around and street crime and yet I haven't felt so unsafe as in Liverpool. People were very verbally and physically aggressive. Like for example if you stood on the street in front of them they would be like “why are you in my face”?! And a lot of the time I also could not understand the people properly as well and I asked them “sorry what were you trying to say”? They would be like: “Are you taking a piss”?! (laughs). So it was an interesting time. I remember an incident that happened on the street as there were a lot of street kids with no supervision whatsoever. This about 8 year old boy came to my husband who is a Hong Kong local Chinese, and asked him: “Hey mate! Are you a Paki”?! And my husband took him on one side to sit him down on the steps to explain to him: “No no, Paki is a slang and a bad word for a Pakistani person, you gotta get this geographically right otherwise you look like an idiot! The slur for me is Chink!” I couldn't believe that this was a real conversation that I witnessed! My husband is very confident talking to people about race and can be very patient and kind. That kid is hopefully part of some anti-racist committee or charity by now! Could be! But it was an interesting place and time. After university we stayed in Liverpool for some time. I worked for HSBC because I thought that it would be a good life to be a banker and then worked for a marketing firm for a while and then decided to move back to Hong Kong. But in the meantime I never stopped doing creative things - especially going to the museums and galleries there. Liverpool has a phenomenal art scene - the music, the art is incredible. There was always the ability to get involved with art - life drawings, bits and pieces here and there. What triggered you to come back to Hong Kong? I was really tired of the weather. Rain all the time! There was something about the North of England - how privileged everybody was. And how they felt the sense of hopelessness and helplessness. Like “we can't do anything about how terrible our lives are '' mindset. I just wanted to shake with them and tell them how lucky they are, that they are not hungry, they have all they need. And it still wasn't good enough. The indifference about taking control. You don't like it because you're bored? You don't like it because it’s not enough? You still have options out there and be able to do something about it. People felt they had no hope, while living in a place with amazing resources. They seemed too afraid to try. Because they were simply judged? Yeah! Whereas me, coming along as a farm kid I couldn't care less. There is nothing I can do to change who I am and your judgement of me which is out of my control so might as well do my own thing. Was your husband pleased to get back home to Hong Kong? He really loved England. He still loves it. I think if I told him let’s move back to England after Hong Kong, he would be really happy. He really didn't want to come back to Hong Kong as much as I did. But he was pleased to see his parents again as they were getting older. So we were back for about 17 years now. What a journey that lets you open up your own space - your own atelier…. Yes! Back in Hong Kong I went into being in a teaching and tutoring for several years, teaching kids with learning disabilities to develop the skills that will helped them to get the balance they needed. It was really fun. Must’ve been really rewarding! Yeah, that was about 7 years of my life. I’ve learned so much from these kids. During this time I was into painting with oil but it takes ages for it to dry. So I started using watercolours! Ideal! Do you know what was your main source of inspiration? Mostly everything. I always worked hard on portraiture and the human body. I have moved slightly away from that. I always feel this urge to create it keeps my mental health stable. I can feel it if I haven't made or created anything for about 5 days - I would not be in a happy place. It can be something even very small. But it still has to be something. I really enjoy daily challenges too. Like painting a miniature Hong Kong wildlife picture every day. There is this creative side of you that when it’s not being released properly it's almost destructive. So it needs to come out. All the time. Even without any intention of selling - without necessarily having the desire or the urge to be commercial. I understand - and then especially in heavily finance focused Hong Kong, right? Yeh! Especially when you live in a place where you cannot offer to hang your pictures on the wall. There is no middle priced art market! But that's okay, it is what it is. So I’m working on all of these things daily - making sure that I have a little bit of something to do everyday. That's what I do with storytelling as well. I don't write but writing for oral performance is different then writing for a publication. That’s part of my inability not being able to do any paperwork. Yeah, it takes time for people to realise this. Especially when you get to know yourself on such a high level as you do, along with knowing that you need to express yourself and let it out. Especially in Hong Kong - once when people maybe suppress it, it can come out through a completely different emotion, right? Yes, that's exactly what I’ve noticed. Especially in my studio. I do a lot of things that include inviting people over to create their own things. They are always so confused - asking what am I going to do, what is the “syllabus”? There is no syllabus! Of course I can help to guide and do some teaching. But for example teaching painting takes a lot of practice and dedication. Whereas we can do some more abstract painting where you make a mess is much more fluent, instant, and less technically difficult. It is amazing what you can create when you have someone to guide you through the process. It’s the same with making clothes. People are so scared to make their own clothes when they have never done any sewing before. And I always say: “Don’t’ worry not many people have perfectly straight line bodies anyway”! Kids can do it too and I love it when kids come over as they have literally no fear! The pride and joy people get from creating something themselves is very rewarding. And it’s very sustainable as well! Yes! The part of this is the process of making the clothing and how it affects your life. So instead of reaching out and buying a product from a cheap company there are actually so many things you can do by yourself at home. And there are many fancy ways you can shape up your own dress. This week I am working on a project which will be sent to an art competition in Australia. Wow! Tell us more about it! It’s very complicated. It’s taking me a long time. It’s meant to be done by the end of April and I am starting to freak out with the deadline looming. The competition is called “Paper on Skin”. It’s about paper clothing. I’ve decided to recreate Queen Elisabeth’s II coronation dress in paper. The other day I left some partially completed pieces lying out in my studio my resident gecko pooped on it. I really don't need this, haha! The dress is made to be worn so I will have to ship it in pieces. How are you going to pack it? Everything gets wrapped in a bubble wrap. So it’s somehow flexible. Should be manageable. It’s a competition so I had to apply and already passed the first hurdle which is amazing. And the original dress is symbolic of how much something is worth, as an icon and as a garment….just like the crown jewels. They are worth everything - priceless! But they also have a value of the gemstones and components. But if the Queen would try to sell it out, technically she owns it and yet she doesn't. And the same is this idea of the dress - the value and the symbolism that is all connected together. What is the worth? What does it mean for example to me and you if I would physically pick up the crown jewels and put them into my pocket - what would they be worth to me? Absolutely nothing – I couldn’t sell them. This project is about wealth and worth, value and cost. The dress is very Disney princess looking. And to put this cherry on the top and wrap this up in a nice cosy blanket…what are your plans for the future? I’ll be going back to workshops once HK opens again - I will try to run them as efficiently as I can. Life drawing classes are going to start again. I offer tailor made classes as well – I usually ask - what are you interested in learning? I will make a class for you. I would like to start Artist Talks again and Artist MeetUp just for working artists in Hong Kong. And there is another project I'd like to get started: a quilting project. Bringing a lot of people together and everyone quilting blocks at home and then bringing it over to make it and stitch it into one as a community. This was a family tradition in Canada that I would like to bring to Hong Kong – I will need to go about finding the right charity to donate it to, or auction it off and donate the proceeds. I have many projects but I have lost a little bit of the juice and motivation in my engine recently. How do you keep yourself motivated and keep the hope high? Well the inner engine the need to create will always be there. And wanting to build the community and get back to people to get involved….at the moment the tank is running very low but I know that it will fill up! Visit Rachel’s Website here: https://www.senselessart.net
Follow Rachel on Instagram: @rachel_smith_studio and @senselessart Visit Hong Kong Stories Website here: http://www.hongkongstories.com
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This interview may content a trigger that may cause intense physiological and psychological symptoms for people who suffer with PTSD and other anxiety disorders. PTSD and other anxiety disorders are real mental health disabilities that have physical, emotional, and mental symptoms that are triggered by stimuli that recall an individual’s experience of trauma. This interview contains themes of strong language, sexual violence, sexual assault, harassment and suicide. The creativity as we know it does not necessarily come from a good place as we know it. Positive vibes, sunshine and colours - the inspiration takes many forms then that. In this interview me and an anonymous creative writer who was born in Hong Kong to European parents, we explore the cost of traumatic experiences, the impact of assault, lack of consent and rape that leave you to deal with such horrendous experience in a form of intense expression of your emotions by just simply writing about it. If you are not feeling well or your family member/friend and you or them - are seeking for mental health support, please visit: https://www.mind.org.hk/getting-help/ If you are or have been a victim of sexual assault, harassment or rape, please visit: https://www.talkhongkong.org The foundation of you - being born here in Hong Kong to European - based parents - when was the first time you started writing? When I was really young. We had a desktop computer and me and my sister had this little room where we would go and write short stories - fantasies, imaginations…. Oh really about what, for example? It depends… but usually about family, little girls having pets, a really cool bedroom that I’ve always really wanted. I wrote about all the things I wanted and thought that they were super cool. But when I went to my secondary school that’s where it officially started - this is where I was getting writing essays for homeworks and I loved it. Also some of my teachers encouraged me with their feedback to submit my work to papers etc. And then I won an in-school competition that started it where I won a couple of books (laughs) to read some more. I was super into reading fantasy books. Then I had this random class - it was a writing workshop which was dedicated to only fantasy art kids - geeks like me. So that was all happening whilst you were here in Hong Kong? Yeah - I think that was when I was in about 9th grade. After that I haven't really written much anymore. I was really into reading - and I thought this was the way to write a novel. Then I got to college in America - where I was writing short stuff. But eventually then I took a poetry class. This is where I was like “wow I like this way better this is much more fun” - because it was a perfect mix of viewing the meaning but also you’re not trying to bullshit around. And then from there I was an English major with focus on writing. So writing was never really your first option or passion before you got to college? Yeah, it wasn't. I felt like I “must do this”. I just thought that this was more of my life, living - not a passion. But then I really enjoyed it when I took over the top crazy classes. One of the classes was for example titled “How to write a Sonnet”. And we had to write a sonnet every day for the whole semester - weekend included. 7 days a week (laughs). That was wild! That’s intense! It was a lot. And then there came more writing workshops…by the time I got into my senior year I’ve been writing plenty - as I went through my trauma and assault I’ve been through. That really took off and took center stage when I was writing. It became my only “inspiration”. And at that point I found a purpose - why I want to write about it and what I wanted to express…so it’s really interesting how it works. It definitely was my way to cope with the trauma as well… Yes, definitely a coping mechanism, right? It must’ve been a life changing moment for you…I was just wondering if it's even possible to compare your style of writing before and after the assault. What do you think changed? Nothing was the same. I definitely started to write about different topics. I found it harder to be emotionally connected. I always have written about sex and my own sexual experiences in satirical and self-deprivating way. Always joking how bad it was. That was something I liked to do. Have you published them somewhere? No. But then - after I was assaulted, I was struggling with asking myself: “How do I write about this now” - it was super serious, it was not as a random hook up that you would usually get. It’s like something that people do not want to joke about.I think I achieved it really way - to write about rape that makes people laugh but grimase, cringe at the same time. That is such a major step that you put yourself into this mindset. Even to be able to write about it is huge. Yeah, I was in this workshop for my final year in college and I read it to my class. What was their reaction? I think they were struck - it felt like they did not know what exactly to comment on. Especially when it's a personal experience of somebody. You don't want to modify it. But you can criticize the writing. I think it was overall a positive response that I got - which made me quite surprised about it. Just to gather all of these feelings and make them your own for a while. I think that's a big issue. When you were raped and assaulted and not being in control. You lose your agency. What do you mean by “losing your agency”? When someone forcibly does something to you and you don't have the power to stop it. So you lose the power to be able to make any decision whatsovere. So writing about it let me control the narrative. Oh! I almost forgot about that. I wrote a whole play about it…. WHAT? Wow! Yeh (laughs). It was a play-writing class. I’ve produced an entire play about also a different sexual assault that happened. Kinda like the classic college rape scenario. Did you write it before or after your assault? So this was a different assault, actually. That went backwards. I was black-out drunk and this dude took advantage of me, had sex with me and I had no idea what happened. It was kind of like a puzzle that I had to solve - what happened on that night. And I wrote a play about that experience. From that point on I was either sophomore or junior - I made it a focus of my writing. Bad sexual experiences, horrible stuff and assaults that happen o women. So writing my senior thesis is where I struggled - how do I find another and different type of purpose in my writing after all of this. Will I be able to write about anything else? That’s why it took me away from writing in general. SInce then I was used to writing about painful things only. I had to protect myself as well. I knew I didn't want to write about this forever, obviously. I guess I’m still trying to figure this out. I’m incredibly sorry that this happened to you. I feel like people need to face these circumstances. I’m sure that so many people have been in a similar situation like you without realizing it. Especially when they don't even know that there is appropriate help to anyone who has been in this situation. Yes, it’s crazy how often it happens actually. How about if we just eliminate rapists in the whole population without constantly being on alert and blaming women not being in control enough to be able to say no. Even if you would be walking on the street bloody naked, or had sex and halfway through decided you dont want to keep going - you’re never asking for it. People need to desperately educate themselves about consent… Consent is the key! So that all happened in America? Yeah - although the first assault that happened to me was actually in Japan. I was 17. Yeh it was in the bar with some friends when we went for a ski vacation together. We had a few drinks and there was this group of guys that started hitting on us. I wasn't even drunk but one of them who I found quite cute told me to come with him to the bathroom. I was super young so I thought to myself “why not I like making out with people”, so I went. And when we got to the bathroom he told me to take my pants off. I was like “noo I dont really wanna do that”. But he kept forcing, he was blocking the door too so I couldn't leave. At this point I didn't even know what to do anymore. I was completely frozen. I probably would have shoved him on the side thinking about it now but at that moment my mind was completely out of it. Then he sat on the toilet and grabbed me on the top. Then I went to find my friends and told them what just happened, they were in such a shock. They told me to get money asap for a morning after pill. So I went to him and told him that I needed money for the morning after pill. He gave me a handful of coins. Which was one of the most disrespectful things I've ever experienced. My friend then tried to speak to the bartender but they just told us to leave immediately. It was freezing cold. 2am. Didn't know what to do, no cabs. So we hitchhiked to my friend's house. Then I took the hottest shower in my life just to get it off of me. Did you get the after pill? Yeah. I was lucky to get it the next day after coming to Hong Kong. My sister got it for me and hid it under my pillow. So you didn’t tell your parents? I did eventually, actually. But that was the worst mistake. She blamed me for it. Classic and then she took my own trauma for her own. Then she tried to stop me from hanging out with my best friend, she said that it was her fault. But it’s crazy to think that still…this happens to so many girls. So many girls already had this sort of an experience. You’ve been through a lot and even wrote about it….oh man. Yeah. And I’m as dry as bones (laughs). I don't even know what to write about anymore. And yet you’ve recovered - being able to immerse yourself back to relationship life…. I think I kind of had the opposite direction then what you would expect. Which is actually a symptom of PTSD - hypersexuality. Directly right after - as you are trying to prove to yourself that you are okay and highly functioning no matter what. That you are not affected and everything is the same. That was also why I kep putting myself into more and more sexual situations. It felt like it would fulfill some kind of a gap. And then once when I started to have a more serious relationship this is where the true healing came in place. The adrenaline from a classic hook up drives you through without thinking about circumstances and fear of intimacy. How did your parents feel? When I was assaulted in New York, my dad immediately flew out from Taipei. Right after he got a call from the detective who was on my case. I was in a hospital - and when I woke up I could not really remember much. There was this lady and the detective. Law and Order (laughs). She immediately asked questions. Full on. To make sure that the memory is as fresh as possible. I asked them to reach out to my sister who was also living in New York during that time. So my sister came very quickly. She walked into the room but couldn't find me - that’s how bad my face looked and couldn't recognize me. She broke down and bursted into tears. So I stayed in a hospital for a couple of days. I also had to do a rape kit. What is a rape kit? They collect forensic evidence. It's performed by this specially qualified nurse. From your vagina, basically. They also take pictures. Evidence, right? Not a fun experience. It was super painful. I threw up black blood during it because I apparently also broke my nose. I was on morphine - but the only thing I remember was that I made a lot of jokes around with nurses in the hospital and just joking around. One of the nurses was really nice and he was kind to me - chit chatting. And when my sister left I asked him: “Do I really look that bad?” and he said: “Well, it’s really not great…” he pulled out his phone, took a snap of me and showed me. And I was like: “Ohhh, I really don’t look good” my head was massive, one of my eyes was completely shut, lips split open. So I spent a few days in a hospital for observation before they discharged me. I had police in front of my room for 24 hours - that’s their protocol when it’s a violent crime - just in case someone comes back…I think that the worst part of it was actually seeing other people’s reaction…being absolutely devastated seeing me like this. That was worse than how I felt because before that point I felt dissociated and couldn't even click how I was feeling without other people's reaction. You can't help but feel that you are causing pain to others. Do you feel like during that time you received all of the support that you needed? My dad was there for me…I stayed with him right after. I didn't leave the house for a few days as well. Some of the district attorneys came to visit me who were on my case. They had to build a case against the guy…. It must’ve been really hard to keep repeating yourself and trying to remember everything over and over… Also I couldn't remember many details, which was hard. But luckily there were security cameras that captured the whole thing. Did you watch it? No, I wasn't allowed to. As I was a primary witness they could not change my perception of what happened as well. And then in theory once when the case is over I could watch it. I still haven't watched it. Did they get him, though? He’s in jail. They got him after about a week. He fled to another state. Luckily for them, what he was wearing at the security footage he was also wearing exactly the same outfit on his Facebook profile picture! No way!!! Yeh - so they caught him. It was also in the local news.Which was surreal - to watch and read about it. It;s very strange to see how people write about you. Did any of the journalists come to you and ask you any questions? No. They only talked to the police. How was the first day when you left your house? It was weird. People were being weird. I went to a coffee shop with my dad and the barista came over and talked to my dad first - “loving his shoes”and then he looked at me and said: “Ohhh from across the room I thought that you were wearing zombie makeup”(laughs). It was so American like “oh my god tell me about it” like desperately curious. And no I didn't want to share - I felt the pressure to respond so I told him that I was assaulted. And he said: “It used to be really bad around this neighborhood but now it's getting much better”. So I was like “okay”. Clearly not! Was he being ignorant? I don't really know. And it was also the Uber driver who was driving me home from the hospital asking questions “what happened”. And my dad said to him “oh nothing, please keep driving”. But the driver kept going - “car accident?”. Then my dad had to tell him really to stop. Later on when I came back to the hospital to have my stitches taken out and swelling went down, one of the guy nurses who was taking them out had comments like “did your face meet like a softball or something?”. It’s crazy how many people felt super comfortable to ask directly what happened to me. I honestly did not want to talk about this with a stranger. I must say how strong you are - to be able to openly talk about this here with me and being able to share it - I appreciate this so much and I hope that this will open many eyes. It took a long time to be able to process it as well. I also jumped back into life very quickly as well. It didn't even cross my mind to take a year off the college to recover completely. But once when I was back into it I knew it wasn't the same. At all. Do you remember the day when it “hit” you and you realized what happened? It took a while…Some of the symptoms of PTSD started kicking in…. What were the symptoms?
So, for me it was a lot about being sensitive to sound. Constantly scared of every noise that I was hearing. I still have that sometimes but much less. Also always kind of being scared of situations - passing by random doors, people - my chest would completely seize up. Also you kind of feel like you have a disregard for your safety. Also overcompensating in general life situations. I would break down a lot - especially when I was drinking. I would end up crying on the floor - asking myself why. And then especially when lockdown in the US started , I started drinking heavily all the time - just not to feel my own feelings. I was trying to do anything to escape my brain. Then I moved to Europe at the end of 2020, kept on drinking, kept inviting random dudes over - having these tiring situations all the time… Right - just trying to pick yourself up and feel “normal again”... Yeah, which I thought was normal but it wasn’t. I started self harming myself a lot, I tried to kill myself too. And then I was like….wait a minute. Then I moved back with my parents who kept an eye on me. Then I started to come and participate in government funded therapies. I went to his center for young people who have issues with substances as I was experimenting with other drugs too. But then they quickly realised that the core of this problem was somewhere else. That the symptoms were hidden behind PTSD. It was an 8 week programme. We were constantly active - doing hiking, playing sports, then exposure therapies and EMDR (eye movement therapy). The exposure therapy was the worst to be honest. They try to trigger you until you get into a peak of like “fuck” and then they go like “see, nothing bad happened to you”.It’s supposed to make you feel better (laughs). It did help with some of the symptoms though. I think I was less sensitive to certain things. I felt a bit more at ease I guess. We had so many seminars about PTSD as well - about coping mechanisms, avoidant behaviors and all of that. What made you decide to move back to Hong Kong? There wasn't anything for me in Europe, really. Other than that I did not necessarily want to hang out with my parents either. Then eventually I also got a job here in Hong Kong - it's more comfortable for me to be in an environment in which I was brought up in. |
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AuthorAlex Edwards is a founder of Creative Womxn in Hong Kong who has media and journalism background but also experience in art community development and social media management. Archives
November 2022
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